A friend of mine had a discussion a while ago about being a mama. She is a bit older than me and had an insight that I have thought about since that time. I'm interested to hear what you think. I only want HONEST answers and anonymous guests are welcome.
Our discussion was based on the expectations of moms. The pressures that moms feel to have "perfect" children, houses, bodies, and lives. My friend said that she didn't feel that pressure as a mom but can see that it's an issue now. I totally agree with her. I feel that pressure and I feel a lot of guilt. This in not an invitation to tell me I am a good mother. Though that would be very nice, I'm not going to believe it unless I believe it myself first. I'm interested to know if you feel guilt as a mom. If someone comes into your house and it's messy, are you mortified? Do you feel pressure to fit a mother mold? Do you feel like you're a good mom? Do you feel guilt that you don't meet the mold? If you feel like you're a good mom, do you feel that it's easy? Do you ever feel like your children are better than others? I don't expect other to be perfect though I expect myself to be. It's a relief to learn that others lives aren't perfect yet it's still easy to pin imperfection on myself. At times, it's easy to place imperfections on others only to make myself feel better.
If you feel at complete peace as a mom and your job as a mom, let me know how it's done. I'm not interested so much in you telling me what to do but what YOU do.
I'm going to clean my house now.
9 comments:
if I am playing with my kids, reading lots of books and doing fun, creative & educational projects then my house is a DISASTER and I am lucky to get a shower in.
if my house is picked up (it is NEVER clean...CLEAN) then my kids are on their own in the house, in front of the tv, etc...
I haven't found the balance yet. I seem to be an all or nothing kind of girl! I am sure I find days that I am not on either extreme- just in the middle. I guess that is the balance I need to find but it isn't easy for me.
The one thing I love about family life- it is teaching me about the gray area. I have always been really black and white, right and wrong- wanting perfection. Marriage and having children is teaching me that perfection isn't the answer. Working together, trying harder, and loving each other is now what I try to focus on. Now if I could just remember that when one of mine bites the neighbor, or another pulls her sisters hair, and another pours every glass of water she gets on the floor.....
I honestly thought I would be better at this mom thing than I really am! Of course I have guilt.
I've noticed that I have spurts... varying degrees of perfection. Some weeks its all I can do to keep up with the kids and the house falls apart. Other times the kids are a mess (fighting, lying, whining) and I either lose it or zone them out. On rare occasion, we are all happy- well fed, nurtured and balanced.
Each one of my kids has taught me to appreciate something or someone, to be less judgemental. Since having my youngest, I've learned that having a clean house is not on the top of my list anymore. What's important to me is getting him the care he needs to thrive and just as equally important- making time for myself and living a balanced life. If I don't take time out for ME I am a bear.
For example, right now its naptime. Instead of picking up the blocks that are scattered across the room I am drinking my DC and blogging because I know that when the little tiger wakes up it will be all about him again for the next 6 hours. *sigh*
Ya know, I haven't had the opportunity to actually experience the pressures of being a mom. But, I've definitely seen it. There is the pressure to have the perfect home, car, body, vacations, kids, and to have your kids participating in extra curricular activities. You also have to come across as having the perfect marriage and friendships. Also, you better be blogging, scrapbooking, cooking, having FHE, family prayer, etc. Ah! It scares me. And then just think about those that have to work (or even want to work) & feel that guilt!
But I personally think that a lot of people act all 'better than their neighbor' when your child does something to their child (when their child did that exact same thing so someone else's kid last week.) or they're able to get all of these new cars, furniture, etc. (but their in debt up to their a$$). And the whole perfect body thing? Ya wanna ask me how many moms I know that have anorexia problems? That's sure healthy and creating a good example for the kids!!!
Sorry, I haven't really addressed what you asked & I've just sort of went off! It's just that I've witnessed the 'striving for perfectness while going insaine' in my life and I know it's something I'm going to have to face one day and it scares me. Crap! I'm already on medication!It's hard enough each day to do your best without everyone judging you - & without kids!!!
All I have to say is GOOD LUCK! And have the most perfect day!
(P.S. Unfortunately, I kinda think some of the judgementalness is a Utah (dare I say LDS?) thing. Or am I way off on this one?)
Mathematically it is impossible to do it all. We cannot give 100% in all areas. But for some reason we (moms) strive for this impossibility only to be dissapointed each and every time. Trust me, I WISH I could do it all. As I'm getting older I am constantly evaluating what is important, REALLY IMPORTANT in life. Having an imaculate house,cooking gourmet meals,the luxury of taking a shower, is nice, but I do what I can, thats all I can do. Remember ladies "things aren't always as they seem." I have a friend who shared that when some one knocks on her door, she hurries and tosses all of her dirty dishes in her oven. The simple stuff slips away in the blink of an eye(giggles smiles etcs), MY BABIES ARE GROWING UP!!!!! And I don't like it one bit. Al I miss U
Your family is b-e-a-u-t-i-f-u-l
What a great post. Seriously. I think now more than ever there is so much pressure for Moms to perform and be the Super Mom with the super house, the super body, the super car, the super blog....super everything. And personally, after thinking about this for a while I think that it's just a way for Santan to make sure we feel frustrated, feel the pressure, feel like we're not measuring up...and forget that the most important work we will EVER do is within the walls of our home, teaching our children. So, if it means the floor hasn't been mopped in a while and the clean laundry is still sitting in the basket waiting to be folded...but that our kids are taught to know who they are and who they can become then we're doing the most important work of the day
And when they know this and live like they know it, then you ARE the Super Mom.
funny, just wrote about this today...meece and i were chatting about it a bit this week, and dez and i've been talkin' about it a bit too. even pre-mommas are struggling with the pressure to be mommas and be perfect. http://thedailydelights.wordpress.com/2008/08/23/theory-the-problem-with-perfection/
luv the twins' lavendar bumbo chairs!
I hire help, one of the best things I learned from the book I Didn't Plan to be a Witch A Guide For Frustrated Mothers. I use paper plates. I take lots of short cuts and keep it simple.
I have crappy health and good kids. Everybody has different issues. I'm almost at the end of full time parenting. I'm strict and have certain expectations that are non negotiable. I also try to say yes as often as I can. My kids have a lot of freedom and are very compliant.
My 16 year old did homework on Sat. morning and then joined friends and knit hats for service. She did this all on her own. Telling me about it later. Amazing! It must be the good influence of her Aunt Sis. She doesn't get that from me.
I used to have lots of mom guilt, but age and Cellexa has helped me realize what a waste of energy it is.
Have you heard of the new competition show called Toughest Jobs. I think that your job as mother of 5 with newborn twins would scare the pants off most people. No way they could handle it.
Remember you are living under extreme circumstances and you are currently in the trenches. It's ugly sometimes and then just when you think you can't handle it anymore, one of the kids says something nice to you or a sibling. The rainbow comes out and you remember why you chose this life.
It's the best and hardest thing you'll ever do.
Diane told me she was on Ambien when she left that 6 paragraph comment...notice the time.
And, she feels "guilty" about it.
That's right, Diane's three keys to success are Celexa, Ambien and Rosario.
Post a Comment